THE HITMAN'S BODYGUARD - ***/*****

By  Porothy Darker

I have nothing to say. That it’s taken me a few days and multiple reminders to actually write this review says a lot about the movie overall. The movie is fine - it’s not great, and it’s not bad. I was disappointed overall, but that speaks more to my expectations than the actual quality of the film. It is very much a paint-by-numbers “these guys don’t get along but they have to work together” buddy movie, complete with a shoehorned romance between people with zero on-screen chemistry (Reynolds/Elektra). There was a heavy dose of foreshadowing in the first third with some obvious payoffs as it progressed. It includes just enough action (though not the level of violence that I was hoping for) and overdone/predictable quips from the two stars to keep things moving, though I think it could have been trimmed by a good 15-20 minutes.

As a big fan of his, I’m starting to worry that Ryan Reynolds is approaching Marky Mark territory in that he plays the same character in every movie with few exceptions (The Voices and Deadpool come to mind). The “straight-man with sarcastic remarks” seems all too familiar, and leads to mailed in performances like this one - he hit every mark, and had good chemistry with Samuel L, but there was no spark or depth behind his performance. Samuel L Jackson got to say “motherfucker” a lot, which is cool, I guess. He did not, however, get his dick sucked by a racist’s son, which I was hoping he would add as a new calling card going forward. He was just good enough in the actoin scenes to not be completely laughable, but it’s a leap to buy him as a world-class assassin. Salma Hayek looked odd - almost like she’s aging - and played a loud stereotype annoyingly, while Elektra (I’m not going to look up her name) seemed horribly miscast as both Reynolds’ estranged love interest, and as a badass interpol agent. She’s pretty, though, so there’s that. Predictably (sensing a theme?), everything works out for everyone in the end.

I could write more words for the sake of more words, but what’s the point? There’s a decent movie in here somewhere if you squint hard enough, but as presented if you don’t have high hopes, you’ll be superficially entertained by The Hitman’s Bodyguard - it’s not a waste of time, but isn’t memorable either. - 3 out of 5 stars.